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Vancouver Counselling TipsSteadfast tips on a difficult moment with your teenagerSee Kate's letter: Right now I could do with your parenting classes Laura. I'm wondering how to manage my 15 year old son. Tonight is his second night being totally drunk and completely "out of it" He went to the junior disco, disappeared out the back and was caught coming back over the wall at the end of the night completely drunk. We were phoned by the hotel staff as my husband was on the way to collect him. My husband found him slumped in a chair, vomit all round him, not able to talk or walk properly etc. My husband cleaned everything up, thanked staff that were very good and got him home. This is the second occasion that he has been in such a state. He is sleeping it off right now. If you have any pieces of advice I would be grateful. Right now we are thinking of refusing to allow him go to a concert in Dublin next Sunday which has been planned earlier in the summer and would entail going early and coming back late on a bus. My husband is also saying no more going back to that disco. After last time we told him we didn't want him to drink, get in that state etc but didn't enforce any sanctions as such. He's not great at talking to us at present although he is improving. Thanks for being "out there" I hope my husband and I can somehow steer a path that is helpful and not reactive. Of course it's pushing buttons and I want to be able to be bigger but keep him safe as well. Hi Kate, Being a parent of a teen can be so tricky because you have so many jobs: keeping them safe, supporting them in becoming individual and self reliant, setting limits, and connecting with them, to name only a few. Lots of times the roles you have to play are in opposition to each other. Teens are different when it comes to limit setting because we don't always (actually mostly never) have control over what they do. It would be all well and fine to say things like "we are putting a ban on you getting drunk," or "don't go to that disco," or "no having sex until you are old enough to deal with the consequences" if our teens would respond and simply do what we wanted them to do. All of us have been young and we know that if we are in a rebellious stage or in the process of breaking away from our family to discover who we are, those kinds of rules rarely work. With a young person, we are teaching them something greater than this: how to think and be an expansive caring individual. For many teens, this is a long process, and so it is important here to remember that there may not be a short term solution for a bigger mission. There will be many steps along the path and many lessons to be learned. I would spend some time learning about his thinking around all of this. I might ask things like: "How did it feel to get so drunk?"; "What parts about the experience were fun or funny?"; "How did it feel to get so sick?"; "What is it like around us, knowing Dad had to come and clean up your vomit from the hotel grounds?"; "How do you feel about going back to the disco?"; "Do you want to do anything differently next time?"; etc. As the parent, I would do my emotional work and then decide what I am up to. I might tell my son something like "I'm not up to cleaning your puke (not because you're rotten or disrespectful but because I don't like cleaning up puke!), so you need to come up with another plan if you want to drink that much." You as the parents no longer need to solve all your teen's problems - give the problems back to them and sit with them as they figure it out. We need to find a solution that considers everyone's needs and well being. Let your son know that you are here to help him brainstorm or figure it out if he wants. I would do something similar with this going out of town to a band. Remind him about what happened recently (him getting drunk and you having to clean up after him, pick him up, etc.), and let him know that, because of safety, you do not feel comfortable with him being so far away. Ask him, "What could you come up with so we would know you are safe?" Maybe he has to organize a parent to drive there and back. I don't know. Let him figure out something that will work for all of you. Do your own work before you do his. Let him struggle through some of this with support. He needs a safe place to think and feel through some of this stuff, and so stopping him from doing a specific activity will most likely not stop the behavior. The teenage years are a difficult and confusing time for many people. It is also a time for many parents where our fear and anxiety is high. It can feel like our last shot to get it right before they go off into the world, when in fact you are building a long term relationship. Just remember all the things you still learned about yourself in your 20's, 30's, 40's, etc. All the things you are not supposed to do are the things that appear to make you belong out in the world - these things promise freedom and independence and connection! Don't fight against your son's desires; instead, help him find a space to discover who he really is and what he's really about. It takes time and support him to find ways to experience freedom, independence and connection to himself and others. In Support, Laura Thank you. I changed my whole approach and I'm glad I did and Sunday's concert worked out really well. - Kate |
